mirrors

you look in the mirror one day and you're excited. first year of medical school, wondering how you ended up living in a dorm with co-ed communal bathrooms when such atrocities never happenened in college. but fuck it, you're twenty one and surrounded by your peers in the 'greatest city in the world,' nerds in new york, and you're happy, young and ambitious, with lots of old friends to hang and new friends to make.

you look in the mirror and you're trashed. twenty four years old, thinking maybe you've had enough of the city. fuck it, i'm leaving new york and heading to california, just like every other stereotypical medical nerd who thinks they're chasing salvation on the sunny beaches of the west coast, best coast. but it's your birthday, and you didn't drag all these people out here last minute to go out weak. so you suck it up, down that 18th stella and shot of whiskey in your quest to drink your age in beers. you pass out, wake up, introduce your jew friends (new friends) to your old friends and family, and vomit in the bar and on the feet of the girl who desperately and unrequitedly loves you.

you look in the mirror and you're cocky. yeah, you're getting older, but now you're a 'resident,' not just an intern. older and 'smarter,' but still young, or so you think. your skin still looks taut, fresh, but what are those lines around your mouth? marionette? i'm fucking scared of puppets. tis okay, my patients still think i'm a baby. thankfully they're blind.

you look in the mirror and you're amazed. you're thirty, where the hell did all that time go? you're still in college, or so your address tells you. you stare in amazement as your savings dwindle. fancy titles don't mean shit when your degrees, diplomas and awards are hung in a 500 square feet studio. you see a new line, on your forehead, on the part of your face that used to be so smooth. you look surprised, but realize that surprise just means more lines. oh shit. this is when it begins.

you look in the mirror and you're resigned. gray hairs were cute when you were in high school. sign of wisdom, sign of respect, preternatural intelligence. gray hairs aren't cute when there's more of them than you thought. and why are they so fucking hard to see? is it gray or is it reflected light? does it matter? you look in the mirror and realize that's you. deal with it. fuck it. shit...